Yesterday I had a bit of an emotional day. I don’t really know why. I have been so busy lately with the kids, Islas appointments, work and the event that I suppose I haven’t had time to think. Focussing my energy on these has been good, I’ve needed that positivity, routine, the feeling that I’m doing something good and helping others. I’ve tried to turn quite a negative time in to a positive one and invested a lot of time in things like the event. I think I’ve realised some things, throwing time at something is great but you need to throw your time at things in equal measures. I fully intend to now focus less on the charity event and more on my family and our home. If I can organise an event I can be as organised at home, right?
After a day of reflection I thought about being a mummy and being a special needs mummy and it was quite thought provoking.
The moment you have a child you question your abilities as a mother. I think over the years I have learnt most mums if not all do that, it’s what makes you a mum, putting another person before yourself and wanting to do your best by them. I’ve often hoped I’ve done the right thing by our children and wondered if I’ve done everything right. When you become a special needs mum I think this is magnified. You question your abilities more and may wonder why your child is different. In looking for an answer I think you look to yourself and what you could have done differently, it’s easy to lay blame for things on yourself especially if searching for an answer when there’s none. It’s human nature to want an answer. We may never know what made Isla autistic and I find that difficult because I’m a doer and a fixer. Autism is a part of Isla and we love her so much, I just find living without answers tough. I know as time has gone on I’ve been less concerned over why Isla has autism but I’ll still have days when I wonder why her, could things have been different, have I been the best mum I can be.
If you don’t question your abilities you can’t improve I guess and I want to improve all the time for my three favourite people. Striving to be better people is what life is about after all.